Lay with the Wolf 

I’m not a biological mother. This statement used to hurt…no , haunt me. I always imagined I’d have what I had as a child, a house with the smell of dinner lingering and laughter roaring. In elementary school while my classmates scribbled the words ‘astronaut’ or ‘police officer’. I wrote ‘mom’ as the answer to the big question “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

When some would ask me why I didn’t choose something fun or new, I’d simply reply “it’s who I want to be” Nothing more. Nothing less.

As I got older I began the journey of trying to conceive. Every article, forum and piece of advice from successfully fertile mothers was filed in my brain. I followed the rules, took supplements , changed my diet and tearfully prayed. With every negative pregnancy test I felt the sting of failure burn my eyes. My frustration took over and I’d ask the Lord why. Why can’t I have a child ? I have so much to give, so much to teach and so much love to share. Did I not deserve one? Was my body too weak to carry one? Why oh why have the unworthy females conceived so easily only to neglect or abuse their young ? That has to be the most painful question I still at times , ask today.

I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to pass on that nurturing feeling I grew up with. I wanted to show my child how beautiful this world can be. Sure I knew it would be hard andddddddd incredibly painful, but I also knew my heart and how much I held inside it.  Through my grief , my own mother comforted me without fail or negativity. She heard my cries and fits of rage and did for me what I longed to do for another.

There’s a special look a child gives to their mother. There’s nothing quite like seeing a child reunite with a mom even if the absence was short lived. I selfishly wanted that feeling , that glance of joy to mirror my own.

As I read an article about wolves and how they nurture their young, I felt disappointed in some of our womankind. I’ve witnessed so many loved ones yearn for a true mother. A mother who should put her children first and follow the code of the wolf.

Quotes from an interesting article : *The wolf mother is extremely intuitive when it comes to raising her pups. She knows their needs and follows her instincts to provide. The wolf mother is also protective of her young, keeping them in the den until the pups are sufficiently capable to survive outside of the den. The female wolf is also extremely unselfish, demonstrated in her willingness to remain in the den herself to provide for her young.*
This whole time I whined about not being a mother but I now realize there may be a far worse pain…yearning for a mother.

As a verb the definition of a mother is described as : to bring up (a child) with care and affection. In my opinion, Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.

Lay with your wolf mother no matter the relation , no matter who it is that has provided motherly comfort to you in your life.

No I did not conceive, but I also didn’t realize that the Lord was protecting me. The person in my life and the timing was so unimaginably wrong. Years later, I fell in love with three special gentlemen. My beau and his two sons. The Lord answered my prayers and I cannot begin to express how much love I feel from these children. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I’d be welcomed into their hearts. The echoing laughter as I walk through the door to the heart to heart questions about life we share is what I’ve always craved. I’ve vowed to be the best Wolf I can be and to lay with the pups whenever they need me.


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